When i look back at my first blog about doing an MA i feel as if i am so exciting, focused and looking forward to the challenge of the course. I realise now, of course, how much my amazing undergraduate experience had an influence on how i expected it to go. I smile now at the naivety of my past self. What transpired happened to be the worst year of my life, and since I've had a lovely one so far i just didn't like my sudden down turn of luck! I had a great many challenges to face and non of them were rewarding or an interesting experience. I had to battle depression, separation from my boyfriend who moved abroad and then continued to play the waiting game to see him again. Then the crown jewel...being dumped by said boyfriend. Well i say dumped but it was apparently in our best interests to do so and it was 'mutual'. Not a very nice experience when i was on the brink of the most important element of my MA, the dissertation.
WOW.
So my dissertation ended up being my emotional crutch, a mechanism to pour myself into to block out everything else in my life. When it was finished, i found myself crying a lot, not knowing how to deal with a whole boat load of emotions sailing in. But when it came to hand in day, i was naturally nervous but also it was such a relief to let it go. I handed it in, had a photo taken with my friend Charlotte holding our babies up like proud parents. Then this massive weight lifted off of me and i didn't know this whole time i had been subconsciously tense and holding my breath! i felt like i could breath, that i was letting go of a whole load of stuff holding me back. i decided to embrace the summer, or what was left of it and sat by the lakes reading for pleasure (would you believe?!!) and lounged in the sunshine with literally nothing to do. it was great, my mind was free. i reminisced about a lot of university memories which involved the summer and just relaxed and let it flood over me. Naturally university for me means my 'ex' so i decided to face those issues and try to let go of how i feel about him :) i took to walking around the lakes which is funny in itself because it became a symbol of problem solving between me and my friend Laura. we used to walk around them in our first year and moan about our boyfriends, what they did/didn't do! ha ha. funny times. Makes me laugh now, but doing that was quite comforting. I got half way around and decided that i didn't want to feel like i have done, it was a step forward. i remember thinking that i have to deal with things as they arrive and not what might or might not happen, the future has been such a scary thing for me because it didn't mean much positive for me. I've felt a shadow of myself and decided that its time to turn the page and be who i want to be!
So my advice to anyone who is having a hard time, just take time out stop listening to the static in your mind but rather the actual thoughts. Finding a path isn't easy, but as long as you're going forward it can't be too wrong.
I'm hopefully going to have more time to focus on this blog now, so can update it more often.
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